Once every generation or so, we as a society live through an experience so monumental — so transcendent — that it moves us collectively toward a higher state of being.
We experienced one of these rare moments on Wednesday night when friend of A Dime Back (from this point forward) Kathryn Sotnik, a reporter for NECN, teased a story about a Watertown, Mass. couple who are quite dismayed by
Connecticut New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady’s upheld punishment for his role in some NFL scandal miraculously not linked to head injury.
Taking the only reasonable stance, the couple will now refuse — REFUSE — to go on their honeymoon until football Wahlberg is reinstated. Some could ask why this couple is purposely delaying their out-of-town trip until a time when they will miss watching their beloved Brady play in a game. That is the wrong question to ask. Just enjoy this fun story and don’t get too bogged down in the logic of it all.
But wait! There’s a picture!
— Kathryn Sotnik (@KathrynNECN) July 30, 2015
I have questions.
I have questions of such crucial importance that I will neglect to participate in parts of life unique to myself until I get some goddamn answers.
At this point, I am completely willing to accept that their Ghandi-esque honeymoon-strike is both noble and definitely going to work. Congrats Tom, you’re back in there! Get to camp.
What I cannot handle, however, is living the rest of my life without knowing WHY THEY HAVE A CAR RIM ON THE WALL OF THEIR….HOME???
IS THIS THEIR HOME???
I am also left questioning the commitment of the young woman who — presumably knowing the photographer was arriving to take the “Brady pic,” still chose the “Kiss Me I’m Irish” shirt. We’re in a fight for Tom’s life. It’s not all about you today, Darlene (her name is probably Darlene).
If you look in the bottom third of the picture, immediately below the young man’s right elbow, you’ll see what appears to be a framed photograph hidden away inside a paper bag on the floor. Who is in this picture? And why are they worthy of a frame but not worthy of display in a room that features every other object known to mankind? I will not get my oil changed until this framed picture receives more prominent display in their home.
Explain the Pepsi. Above the glass-encased helmets in the right of the picture stand three (empty?) Pepsi cans in front of a mini-Lombardi trophy. Is the Pepsi decorative? Are they commemorative of the time Brady and Giselle put back a few Pepsi (is Pepsi the plural of Pepsi?) on a jaunt through Watertown? Does this couple just really enjoy Pepsi and that shelf is where they store their rations?
How many times do I have to mention the Pepsi before Pepsi gives me money? I will not attend my cousin’s wedding until Pepsi writes me a check.
And what is on this desk?
A random blank CD (they still make those?), some 3-D glasses? A Corey Dillon figurine that — let’s be real — deserves way more play. This offends me so much that I will not tweet Russ until the Corey Dillion figurine replaces the tire on the wall.
More questions arise the longer you stare at this picture. I will not rest, or go on a honeymoon, until all have been answered. NECN, send the photographer to my house. I’ll be ready.