We’re pretty much out of ideas here at A Dime Back. Now that the collective obnoxious cynics (hi!) have successfully bullied UConn into the Big East, what are we even supposed to talk about until Creighton or Other Creighton show up on the basketball schedule?
The answer, as should be obvious, is to steal good ideas from others. Today, I’m Lion King-ing one of my favorites: an old UConn Blog post that compared the then Big East fanbases with characters from the Simpsons. With time running out on UConn’s arranged marriage with the AAC, let’s take this opportunity to reimagine this modern classic (I’m Beyonce in this metaphor) and figure out which of the Huskies’ current conference-mates in the American could also reside in Springfield (assuming Springfield is in a pointless Southern or Midwestern state)…
1. UConn – The Simpsons
UConn is the Simpsons, the television show. Powerful and beloved in the 90s with a noticeable decline leading to a mass exodus of diehard fans and leaving the whole endeavor with an undeniable cultural significance from the recent past yet a present that we’re all pretending isn’t happening (the AAC).
Relevant Quote: I dunno, the theme song?
2. Tulsa – Cletus
Relevant quote: “If anyone ever tells you a hog won’t eat a finger, they’s lying.”
3. ECU – Cletus
Relevant quote: “The doctor said you eat any more baby, they gonna take your foot.”
4. Cincinnati – Cletus
Relevant quote: “I don’t have such a good memory since I drank my thermometer.”
5. Tulane – Cletus
Relevant quote: “Hey, Brandine, pack my evenin’ britches.”
6. USF – Cletus
Relevant quote: “I know how you feel. I was beaten at Tic-Tac-Toe by a chicken.”
7. SMU – Cletus
Relevant quote: “Why did you have to park by my parents?”
“Now, honey, they’s my parents too.”
8. Memphis – Cletus
Relevant quote: “We homeschool ‘em. I teach the big ones and the big ones teach the little ones. But no one ever taught me, so the whole thing is an exercise in futility.”
9. Temple – Cletus in a different outfit
Relevant quote: “Now if you need me, I’ll be on the porch drinkin’ Thompson’s Water Seal.”
10. Wichita State – Cletus
Relevant quote: “Hey, what’s going on on this side?”
11. UCF – Cletus
Relevant quote: “Back you go — to waits for a [conference] of less discriminating tastes.”
12. Houston – Cletus
Relevant quote: “Hey, kids, we’re eatin’ dinner tonight. Come on Tiffany, Heather, Cody, Dylan, Dermot, Jordan, Taylor, Brittany, Wesley, Rumer, Scout, Cassidy, Zoe, Chloe, Max, Hunter, Kendall, Kaitlin, Noah, Sasha, Morgan, Kyra, Ian, Lauren, Qbert, and Phil.”
13. Mike Aresco – Cletus
Relevant quote: “Now I don’t sign nothin’ without pretendin’ to read it first.”
