UConn’s Dangerous Lack of Germans

Leon TOLKSDORF (Rick Hartford/Hartford Courant)
Leon TOLKSDORF (Rick Hartford/Hartford Courant)

When the 2014-2015 season begins, the defending-champion UConn Huskies will be missing the two most important players from their Final Four team. No, not Shabazz Napier and DeAndre Daniels. We’re talking about Niels Giffey and Leon TOLKSDORF.

Giffey will graduate, the recipient of a degree and two sparkly championship rings. And on Friday, the university announced TOLKSDORF will transfer to American University for his final two seasons.

This leaves the Huskies in a dangerous state — completely devoid of Germans.

Other, less German, players on the roster will be forced into unfamiliar roles on next year’s squad. Omar Calhoun will spend much of the offseason growing a Wolverine-esque beard and perfecting German trash talk.

Kentan Facey will be tasked with performing exuberant celebrations from the bench following any big play. Should Facey be on the court during these moments, another player will be forced to man these duties. TOLKSDORF by committee, if you will. And you will.

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Rodney Purvis and Terrence Samuel will need to wear many more fitted suits and skinny ties.

It won’t be easy. The Huskies will have to overcome long odds to repeat as National Champions. Fortunately, it’s a scenario they are used to after being written off by much of the national media this past season —  solely due to German center Enosch Wolf not returning to UConn for his senior year after being stripped of his scholarship. The Huskies prevailed, albeit in part because of Kentucky coach John Calipari’s strict no-German policy.

UConn will have to avoid the same pitfalls that the university encountered in 1991 when German-born center Marc Suhr left campus. Perhaps Dirk Nowitzki has a younger brother who can be recruited. Maybe DJ Joey can spin “Atemlos Durch Die Nacht” by German artist Helene Fischer prior to all home games. For the love of God, get Warde Manuel a German car.

The disappearing Germans have left a schnitzel-sized hole in the hearts of UConn fans, but at least Storrs, CT is still die Basketball-Hauptstadt der Welt.