We Have Questions: The Shabazz is the Man Edition

Yesterday, a thing called Stumptown Coffee, which is apparently a Portland coffee place, released a new commercial for a special Blazers-themed coffee blend starring our very own Shabazz Napier.

Honestly, this video is so bonkers and delightful, so, of course, we have questions. Russ, Meghan and Kevin discussed the insanity in the ADB Slack. Here’s their conversation:

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Russ: Hey. So I have some questions.

Meghan: Cool, because I also have questions
My first question, I believe, is what the fuck did I just watch?

Russ: You just watched the basketball version of the Happy Gilmore Subway commercial plus music

Meghan: I know Portland likes to keep it weird, but hoo boy that is a weird as hell commercial
I want to know if that is actually airing on televisions in Oregon

Russ: I think my main question is: Is this supposed to be funny?

Meghan: It has to be, right?
I very much enjoyed Bazz clowning the weird dude

Kevin: I have a question: Who is the best character in this video (other than Shabazz, who is, I’m told, the man)?

Russ: The shot of weird dude’s feet as he’s getting crossed up is mcgee-esque
The guy singing I think

Kevin: I am on Team Guy On The Left Of The Dudes Laughing At The Weird Dude, With Dreads

Meghan: I would like to nominate the dude in the laughing crowd all the way to the left
Yes meach

Kevin: I congratulate you on your correct opinion.

Meghan: My other question is when will the song be available for download or streaming
because I think we all need that in our lives

Kevin: Fun fact: singing the chorus is none other than that famous songsmith, Paul McCartney [citation needed]

Meghan: Who would like some random facts about Stumptown Coffee?
It was founded in 1999 by a guy named Duane Sorenson, who, according to google images, has had an array of interesting facial hair situations
He sold it to Peet’s Coffee, which makes the very good coffee in my kitchen
And it appears that our NYC brethren can visit not one but TWO Stumptown Coffee locations

Russ: There is one literally 2 blocks from my office
It is not good

Meghan: This is sad to hear
Russ please compare this coffee to Dunks

Russ: It is like if you drank Starbucks and thought “this is good but I need a little more of a jolt.”
Dunks tastes good. This is like what I assume jet fuel tastes like.

Meghan: That sounds like Bad Coffee and I would like for Bazz to only shill for things that are: good, actually

Russ: Basically if you have 3 sips of it, you will be shaking uncontrollably for a few hours
Counterpoint: If Stumptown is giving him the bag, he can shill all he wants

Meghan: Get yours, Bazz
He is the man, after all

Russ: It’s interesting that they believe Shabazz is the man and not, say, Damian Lillard

Kevin: Look, you can’t just stick Two-Time National Champion Shabazz Napier out on the court with a rejected Elephant 6 demo track and expect me not to buy literally hundreds of dollars of Stumptown Coffee.

Russ: love too drink my coffee out of the can 

Meghan: Wait is that fizzy coffee???

Russ: yes
which, admittedly, I have never had

Meghan: I can’t decide if I am horrified or if I need some right now immediately

Russ: but they also sell their cold brew in a carton off to the side in their store like how they would sell you milk in the middle school cafeteria

Meghan: I love cold brew coffee

Russ: same but this is not good

Kevin: “coffee soda” is the most intriguing combination of words i’ve heard in several minutes, since i first heard “shabazz is the man (trap house remix)”

Russ: I like the part where shabazz pours the coffee on the guy’s face and it looks like he’s pissing on him

Kevin: Guy deserves it, imo

Meghan: so there is a pee tape is what you’re saying

Russ: this is the pee tape

Meghan: I would very much like to identify the man who Bazz is pouring coffee on not at all peeing on

Russ: how many takes do you think it took to get that song right?

Kevin: pee tape
peet ape
peet’s ape
apes drink coffee
apes are worse than humans
peet’s coffee is worse than stumptown coffee

Russ: who is peet

Meghan: meach is libeling the very good coffee from Peet’s

Kevin: it’s not me, it’s the commercial sending subliminal messages

Russ: how do we think the guy got the name Dry Ice?

Meghan: his friends used him to transport lobsters from Maine
he is literally solid carbon dioxide
he will burn you if you touch him for more than a second

Russ: i think we should ignore the obvious offensive foul that shabazz commits because he knocked the guy down and he looked like a doofus

Kevin: he shatters when he gets crossed over by very good basketball players who are also the man
maybe i’m biased but that was a reach-in. the coaches of the Yellow Jersey Gila Monsters don’t teach the fundamentals anymore

Meghan: smh
Meach this is an excellent tweet that I feel should be included at this moment

Russ:

what is with his teeth

Meghan: Grill, babby
Russ, you need a grill

Russ: this guy is very much not the man

Meghan: but the earrings tho

Kevin: i laughed a lot looking at that
Can we talk about the ending, when Shabazz does that classic thing we all do, pretend dunk with two fingers on the Stumptown logo?
WAIT

Meghan: I mean, who hasn’t done that?

Kevin: UPON FURTHER REVIEW THE BALL MOVES

Meghan: brb must rewatch

Kevin: GEORGE LUCAS UP IN THIS

Meghan: holy shit

Russ: all shabazz knows is buckets
scroll down to the pic
i think it’s my dad

Meghan: This explains the money behind A Dime Back

Russ: he made it all by modeling

Meghan: This is their description of the coffee: As a crew full of #RipCity die-hards, our colors don’t run. This balanced and creamy blend was created as a collaboration between our roasters and the Portland Trail Blazers’ top brass.
Creamy is an odd choice, tbh

Russ: What insight could the blazers possibly bring to this

Kevin: They provided researchers to make sure the plot of the commercial was very true to life in every way, including the thick red smoke that covers the court during all basketballings.

Meghan: Yes, I believe that Bazz pours coffee on people and then clowns them all the time
I hope this commercial is just the first in a series of Shabazz is the Man spots

Russ: Do we think this wasn’t even produced and is just a video of Shabazz going about his day?

Meghan: I 100 percent think that
And I would now like a reality show of Bazz and his laughing crew

Kevin: The theme song will be a seven-minute version of “Shabazz Is The Man (Candlelight Remix)”

Meghan: do we have anymore questions or is that enough bullshit for this bit?

Kevin: think we tackled every relevant part of the video

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