Earlier this week, documents obtained by the Cincinnati Enquirer detailed an elaborate and comprehensive plan by the University of Cincinnati to receive entrance to the Big 12 Conference.
As rumors continue to swirl that UConn may also be a candidate should the conference expand, A Dime Back conducted extensive research and uncovered UConn’s sales pitch: an OKCupid profile showing a 99% match. Their entire profile is presented in full below.
My self-summary
Public university founded in 1881. 21 National Championships. Impossibly handsome football coach. #57 in US News and World Report ranking. Proximate to the number 1, 8 and 30 ranked television markets. Campus lacks alligators. Dining hall spaghetti served without inappropriate chili topping.
What I’m doing with my life
Mostly getting sized for rings and consulting with interior designers on where to hang championship banners.
I’m really good at
Basketball; Field Hockey; Soccer; Packing sporting events in New York City; Accurately counting national championships (nice try, Kansas); Being nice to Texas.
The first thing people usually notice about me
Super big… trophy case.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food
Book: Dare to Dream by Hall of Fame coach Jim Calhoun
Movie: He Got Game starring NBA All-Star Ray Allen
Song: One Shining Moment, even though we hear it so often.
The six things I could never do without
Rings, Trophies, Geno Auriemma, Dairy Bar Ice Cream, DP Dough, more Trophies.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
what real conference basketball used to feel like.
On a typical Friday night I am
helping friends and family locate CBS Sports Network on their televisions to watch Saturday’s game.
The once private thing I’m willing to admit
I was once involved with Jeff Hathaway and Paul Pasqualoni…at the same time
I’m looking for
conference opponents that can be identified without directional qualifiers; someone to tell us we’re good enough.
You should message me if
you can save us from the doldrums of this pathetic, embarrassing, mismanaged, poor, ECU-ridden conference.
*slowclap*