Still upset over last week’s loss? Get over it. The team has moved on and so should you. If you’re in Cincinnati for this weekend’s game against the Bearcats, here are some things to keep in mind:
I was in Cincinnati for the MLB All-Star Game this summer, and it is a place that somehow mixes the glamour of New Haven with the nightlife of Farmington and the food of Buckley dining hall. (Ed note: I didn’t go to UConn, but the Bards tell me Buckley sucks)
What else is there? Cincinnati chili. That they put on spaghetti.
Once you’ve finished vomiting, please allow me to continue. Be prepared, because when you order it, you need to use the not-at-all-sexual Way System:
The standard two-way, for example, is just spaghetti topped with chili. If you’re looking for a three-way, that’s spaghetti, chili and cheese. If you’re into really weird stuff, you can have a four-way. It’s basically a three-way but with onions. Substitute beans for onions and it’s a four-way bean. Now…raise your hand if you’ve ever had a five-way. Be honest. That’s an all-out culinary orgy of spaghetti, beans, chili, onions and cheese.
Now I can already hear you Cincinnatians telling me “OK, but this isn’t REALLY chili.” Fair. It’s not. It’s more like a meat sauce. So rather than taking pride in a vomit-inducing dish, take pride in your regional cuisine being what my elementary school used to serve on Wednesdays.
My other gripe with Cincinnati is really just one incident and one guy. I wore my #RU22PECT shirt and as I was walking back to my hotel, minding my own business, someone stopped me and asked if I’m a big Russ Smith fan. Then he wanted to talk Louisville basketball.
Russ. Freaking. Smith.
If you’re wondering, Cincinnati is located on the border of Ohio and Kentucky. My hotel was in Kentucky and the game was in Cincinnati and I was able to walk from one location to the other. Cincinnati is basically #BBN or Card Nation but moved slightly north to where their basketball arenas are named after improper fractions.
But enough about the city. Let’s talk about the team — specifically, head coach Tommy Tuberville. All we know about Tuberville is that he wants to take his players stipend money for off-field infractions and is therefore the worst, though he does appear to be a solid coach. Like any football fan interested in knowing more, I turned to Wikipedia, where someone clearly got there before I did and inserted the story of how he met his wife. I have not read the entirety of the #Internet, but it is my firm belief that this is the most boring story available:
To be fair, there’s not much about the university itself to poke fun at. But their president’s name is Santa, so there’s that.
Now I could just let you go now and enjoy the game, but I have a feeling I only gave you a good laugh and didn’t stoke your hatred quite enough. Here’s Troy Caupain:
